I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
