Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
