I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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