Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
