just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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