I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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