I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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