Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
