I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
