I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
