mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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