I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
