my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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