I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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