yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
