if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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