I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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