hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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