i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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