MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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