I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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