There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
