My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Randomize
