We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I know her cup size but not her name....
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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