I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize