I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
