one word: firstdatebathroomanal
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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