I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
