I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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