...so i touched it.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
