So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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