because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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