When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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