Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
