I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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