why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
