1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize