There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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