his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
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