my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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