Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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