I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Randomize
