yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
