hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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