At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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