I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
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