I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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