I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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