Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
