On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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