i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
