woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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