It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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