Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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