WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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