I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
