I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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